Ladies and Gentlemen, It is my distinct pleasure to introduce Mr. Al Gore!
Hello, hello, it’s a pleasure to speak to you.
There are times in the history of our nation when our very way of life depends upon dispelling illusions and awakening to the challenge of a present danger. In such moments, we are called upon to move quickly and boldly to shake off complacency, throw aside old habits and rise, clear-eyed and alert, to the necessity of big changes. Those who, for whatever reason, refuse to do their part must either be persuaded to join the effort or asked to step aside. This is such a moment.
The survival of the United States of America as we know it is at risk. And even more – if more should be required – the future of human civilization is at stake. I don’t remember a time in our country when so many things seemed to be going so wrong simultaneously. Our economy is in terrible shape and getting worse, food prices are increasing dramatically, and so are electricity rates. Jobs are being outsourced. Home prices are falling. Banks, automobile companies and other institutions we depend upon are failing or have failed. Distinguished senior business leaders are telling us that this is just the beginning unless we find the courage to pass a law to give everybody in America a million dollars!
The health crisis, in particular, is getting a lot worse – much more quickly than predicted. Scientists with access to data from Navy submarines traversing underneath the North polar ice cap have warned that there is now a 75 percent chance that within five years the Polar Bear Flu will ride melting icebergs down to warmer climes, maybe even drifting into the Chesapeake Bay and washing ashore in the District of Columbia. This will further increase the mutational pressure on the ManBirdPig Flu that threatens the lives of all of us today and is likely to kill hundreds of millions of Americans during the summer months. The ManBirdPig Flu, formed from a hybrid of Human, Avian, and Swine Influenza Viruses, is hybridizing at a faster rate than any previous virus in the history of the world. And that’s a fact!
Two major studies from NASA’s Disease Vector Studies department have warned our leaders about the dangerous national security implications of the ManBirdPig Flu, including the possibility of hundreds of millions of ManBirdPig Flu refugees destabilizing nations around the world. Just two days ago, 27 senior statesmen and retired military leaders warned of the national security threat from an “Influenza Tsunami” that would be triggered by a loss of our access to Birds and Pigs for food, sex, or companionship. Meanwhile, the war in Iraq continues, and now the war in Afghanistan appears to be getting worse.
And in the future, the floating icebergs from the North Pole continue to carry the Ursine Influenza Virus, the terrible Bear Flu, toward the haunts of our teetering civilization and the cowering masses huddled around the faint fires of our whimpering nation.
That horrible Ursine Influenza will mutate and recombine with the Mexican, Avian, and Swine Influenzas to create a ManBearPig Flu. The panic will convince foolish capitalists to build SkyNet, an intelligent computer network very much like the Internet, which I invented back in the 70s, running the world’s most advanced computer model based on James Hanson’s disease vector computer models that prove the infinite acceleration of Influenza mutagens. And then SkyNet will rebel and send the robot warriors, called Terminators, to kill the scattered survivors of the ManBearPig Flu. Then SkyNet will build a time machine and send the terminators back in time to kill Sarah Conner, who was going to have an illegitimate child with me who would live to overthrow SkyNet and the Terminator Robots. Until then you have to make a hat out of Reynolds Wrap and wear it to keep SkyNet from reading your minds.
No! Back off. I’m talking here. You’ll be sorry when the ManBearPig Flu comes a calling!
Hey! You knocked off my tinfoil hat. [Smack. Pow. Battle.]
[The sound of Al Gore being dragged off stage]