January 19 – Guantanamo Bay Cuba
by Peter Crouch & David Nugent (JKN)
Top officials in the office of the President Elect have revealed that as soon as Barack Obama is sworn in as President of the US, Guantanamo Bay Detention Center will be closed and renovations will begin to transform the detention facility for notorious terrorist war criminals into a top echelon, exclusive resort and residential health spa. The famous bay itself will be redubbed Rock Candy Bay, and the new, twin facilities will be the Abu Fatty Resort and the adjoining Rock Candy Mountain Health Spa. Ernesto Rafael Guevara de la Serna will be the director of the new facility. He promises to continue the tradition of the salads, halal meats, and middle eastern specialties. The new facility intends to capitalize on the name recognition of Gitmo and market intensively to wealthy jetstream liberals like Pamela Anderson and Anne Hathaway, and also to wealthy Saudis and Pakistanis who may be curious or nostalgic about the facility.
Prices start at $2001 per night, meals included. Liquor and attractive Cuban escorts are extra. Photographers are guaranteed to be kept away from the resort by the minefields that the Cuban government has placed around it, which will appeal to glitterati and the jet-set crowd. Private beaches, plentiful fishing, and the health spa facilities fill up guests’ recreation hours in the seaside tropical paradise. A brochure for the resort says, “The meals will include meats prepared according to Islamic guidelines, along with fresh bread, vegetables and yogurt. With nearly all guests fasting in the daytime during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, chefs have arranged for a post-sunset meal and a midnight meal. Traditional desserts and honey also are served during the Ramadan observances.”
Guevara adds with a wry smile as he puffs on a Cuban Montecristo cigar, “the experience including the food is going to be so good, if they don’t like it they ought to be shot.”
Guests at Gitmo getting shot. Now that’s the kind of change America voted for when it elected Barack Obama, along with turning Gitmo into a high class resort for guys from Saudi Arabia and Pakistan!